Orthodox Jewish Funeral Etiquette for Non-Jews — What to Do and Say

A colleague's parent has died. A neighbor lost a spouse. You want to show up, but you have never been to a Jewish funeral and you do not want to make a mistake at the worst possible moment. Here is what to do.

At the Funeral

What to Wear

Dark, conservative clothing. For women: sleeves at least to the elbow, skirt or dress below the knee, covered neckline. For men: dark suit or slacks and a dress shirt. You will likely be offered a kippah (head covering) at the entrance — accept it and wear it for the duration.

What Happens

An Orthodox funeral is brief — usually 30-45 minutes. There is no viewing of the body (the casket is closed, often a plain pine box). A rabbi or family member delivers a eulogy (hesped). Psalms are recited. The service is mostly in Hebrew, with the eulogy often in English.

Stand when others stand. Sit when others sit. You do not need to read along or know the prayers. Quiet respect is all that is expected.

At the Cemetery

The casket is carried to the grave. After it is lowered, mourners and attendees take turns shoveling earth onto the casket. This is considered a great honor — if a shovel is offered to you, accept it, place three shovelfuls of earth, then set the shovel down (do not pass it hand to hand). If you prefer not to participate, that is also fine. Stand respectfully.

After burial, two lines form for the mourners to walk through. As they pass, the traditional words of comfort are: "HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch sha'ar aveilei Tziyon v'Yerushalayim" — "May G-d comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." If you cannot pronounce it, simply say: "I'm sorry for your loss."

What NOT to Say

• "They're in a better place" — this is not a Jewish concept in the way it is used in Christian contexts
• "Everything happens for a reason" — unhelpful and theologically complex
• "At least they lived a long life" — minimizes the loss
• "How are you holding up?" — at the funeral, just be present

What TO say: "I'm so sorry." "I'm here for you." Or simply nothing at all — your presence is the message.

At the Shiva House

Shiva is the seven-day mourning period after the funeral. The mourning family sits at home (usually on low chairs) and receives visitors. This is where you can make the biggest difference.

How to Arrive

Do not ring the doorbell. The door is typically unlocked or ajar during visiting hours. Walk in quietly. There may be a sign on the door confirming this.

What to Do

• Find the mourner and sit near them
• Let them lead the conversation — if they want to talk about the person who died, listen. If they want to talk about something else entirely, follow their lead
• Do not try to cheer them up. Do not tell funny stories unless they initiate humor
• A simple "I'm sorry" and then sitting quietly is perfectly appropriate
• Visits of 15-30 minutes are standard. You do not need to stay long

What to Bring

• Kosher food — check for a certification symbol (OU, OK, Star-K). Sealed packaged food from the store is safest. Do not bring homemade food unless you keep a kosher kitchen
• Fruit platters, bakery items with kosher certification, sealed candy — all good choices
• Do not bring flowers. Flowers are not part of Jewish mourning customs and may feel out of place

What You Will See

• Mirrors in the house may be covered
• The mourners may be sitting on low chairs or cushions on the floor
• Men may have unshaven faces (no grooming during shiva)
• There may be a candle burning continuously (the shiva candle, lit for seven days)
• Prayer services (minyan) may take place in the home, morning and evening

If a prayer service begins while you are there, stand respectfully at the back. You do not need to participate.

After Shiva

Check in after the week is over. The Orthodox mourning process has stages — shloshim (30 days) and then the full year for a parent. A call, text, or invitation to lunch in the weeks that follow means more than most people realize. Mourners often say the hardest part is when everyone stops calling.

The Underlying Principle

Jewish mourning is structured around the mourner's needs, not the visitor's comfort. You are not there to fix anything, explain anything, or redirect their grief. You are there to sit with them in it.

The Talmud says: "Do not comfort a person while their dead lies before them." The meaning is broader than it sounds — do not rush past someone's pain. Be present with it. That is the entire job.